8-16-97** My mother kidnapped me from my bio-father when I was 3 years old. This is what my mother says is the reason this was done...it was because he was arrested several times and they would also arrest her to get him to come in and give his self up. This frightened her and she said she couldn't take it anymore and well she had 2 girls one was 1 year old and the other,me, was 3. She took me and left my sister there with his mother. She shoved me out a window in the middle of the night and we left for Utah on a train to live with her grandmother in Moab. All I remmeber of that was seeing and meeting my great-grandmother and great-grandfather and thinking am I safe now? Soon my mother decided to move to southern California and that is where she was again married to the 11 month guy, then she divorced him then married the 3rd...my worst nightmare...I will call him 3 . 3 tried to be my best friend at first up until they were married in a courthouse and I played in the back in the rows of chairs . My 'mother' had his first child and it was a son. I was 5 years old and was begining kindergarten . This is also where the molest began . I will not go into details because it still makes me sick when i think about it . He began his mental abuse by constantly yelling at me about how I did this wrong or that I was there to much...he completely controlled my every thinking moment . If I did not like a certain meal that he wanted for dinner my mother would eat some of it so he wouldn't get upset at me for not eating it...due to moments of if we threw it out he would ask how could I of eaten it that fast.. then he would go and look in the trash can and dig it out and put it back on my plate and make me eat it. One night we had liver and onions with muster...well you can guess who had to eat her meal ala' garbage and liver. (end of memory2)

10-26-97**We lived in Taylor, Michigan when my brother was born. The begining of the end for me...the red-headed step-child...i laughingly call myself when i tell people about my childhood...when my brother started to walk and talk everything he had done to get in trouble was my fault. I remember a time when he had tore apart something of his father's and he found it...he came to me and thru it in my face screaming about not respecting others privacy...what a stupid little girl i was and that if he ever caught me in there in his stuff he would spank within an inch of my life! My step-father was a complete drunk...many times they put him on antabuse and he would get very ill at times and then go off it. We then in, 1970, moved to Madison Hts., Michigan. A suburb like any other suburb all the houses within 6 ft. of one another! Well we happened to be the 'dysfunctional' family on the block...police coming 1-2 times a week, some weeks they got a break because he was on his no drink week. You see back then in the 70's when their was domestic violence they sided with the husband and made the woman and her children leave if they had a place to go. They NEVER helped us... EVER!!! One night in the begining of winter (which you know in Michigan it is snowing by October), snow on the ground he came home blotto drunk, which means in my house it's something i've done again and he hates me and wanted me dead, slammed into the carport ,stomped into the house and started in on my mother...yelling about work or how he had to work to feed this 'whole damn family , even when one of 'em ain't even his' mom started to scream back and i ran into my room then snuck into my brothers room to get him and we hid in his closet. Most times when he was like this we got together mostly cause i knew i would not get really badly hurt if i had them as witnesses! Well eventually the police we're called and they came...they told my mother if this was to bad for her then maybe she should take the kids and leave...we knew NO ONE in that stupid town...well my step-father had torn out the phone after the call was made and and tore the living room apart also claiming it was all his to do as he pleased...this was still not enough for them to help us, 3 children ages 2,4 and 9...so my mother took some blankets her keys and put us in the car and we left. We went to the drive-inn and waited until they kicked us out then we drove to the police station to get some shelter...my mother took us in and sat us on the bench in the doorway and went up to the desk and told them what had happened...they said 'lady you can't expect us to put those kids in here!' 'this is no place for kids!' my mom begged them 'but we HAVE no damn place to go!!! it's snowing and the heater in my car won't keep us warm all night!!' they said ' lady you need to go home to your husband and ask him to forgive you! then you'll have a place to sleep and your kids will be warm!' mom said 'but we aren't safe there!!' 'sorry lady no can do' . Mom then grabbed up my sister and yelled at us to follow...that took alot of guts for my mom to do that and that was when i lost hope in the police to help anyone who was NOT commiting a crime. (end of memory 3)

11-29-97**When i was in the 4th or 5th grade was one of the worst years of my life. My Great-Grandmother had died of a massive coronary and when the call came and my mother was on the phone i heard her scream "NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!" and i knew in my heart right then that all of our lives we're going to be terrible...horrible...catastrophic from now on!!!!! Not that it wasn't already but to me it was normal...but now it was going to get B-A-D. You see on your normal end of the scope you see that it's bad all the time but when you live in my world as a "child" my life was going to be over as i knew it. Yes, this is dysfunction 101. Welcome. So enough sarcasm....after the phone call mom and creature from the lagoon went in to talk...next thing we (us kids) knew mom was on a plane and was flying to Moab, Utah for a funeral. She was to be gone for 2 weeks...!!!! Hell was now boarding.............(end of memory4)

Part 2...12-6-97..Well friends i am in the mood to write...In an instant i now knew that i wanted to be dead...at the age of 11. We went ,my sibs and 3, to visit his brother...which was a far away place to go for us! Well all the kids were outside playing in this neat treehouse that was probably 3 stories high!! We decided to play tag in the tree...well i had stepped on a weak board and fell straight thru to the dirt! I couldn't breath for ever it seemed and all the kids were screaming for creature and he came out walking...and saw me on the ground crying my back was in immense pain and it was very hard to breath...he told me"knock it off get up your ok...stop it your making a fool out of me..get up" then proceeded to pick me up by my arm and pulled me into the house where my aunt took me into the bathroom to take a look at me. Thank God for an aunt who was not related to us by blood.

I'd like to make a break from the story for a minute...bear with me...at this time in my life i am dealing with my alcoholic mentally ill mother and co-dependent sister and a brother who drinks all weekend and has black outs from all that i hear...i have been hearing a whole different story about my mother lately that is telling me that she was always screwed up.....i mean mentally sick all the time...all my life....things have been making more and more sense and it's really confusing to me...i fight daily not to be like her but sometimes she slips out and i freak out....i'm not mentally ill or anything altho at times i have wondered if i was going crazy..really nuts....but i now pray daily not to be her! So if any of you beleive in the Lord please pray for my mother, sister and brother and for all the survivor's out there who have yet to begin the healing!! Thanks...i don't want ot offend anyone but some survivor's do not beleive in him and i can understand because i too was VERY angry at God and his son for a very long time....well let me get off my soap box...sorry ..but if any of you would like to talk about this e-mail me and i will talk to you on a one to one basis not to down on God but to figure things out..ok? MORE AFTER CHRISTMAS...i want to get thru the holidays stable!! Take care all and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

*1-11-98* Back to the time....after we went home from my uncles we...well i was told to go and lay down. The next day was to be the day i remember for the rest of my life. I had to climb up on top of this garage he had to build with him...this garage was like a barn in the back yard! The roof sloped so deep and the tiling was not on yet...needless to say i was all of 11 and scared to death. He made me sit up there with him hammering the tile on the roof. i slipped many times and thinking i would die. I remember when we first moved there I use to try to fly off of the house roof or the swing set or anything i could climb...when i was 7-9 yrs old i did this, i even made cardboard wings..this is how important it was to me to get out of here. So now here i was on the tallest place i could ever be and if i fell would i fly? Then i thought to fly was to leave....i couldn't leave my brother and sister now...he would be mean to her...my sister...not my brother. Well i did survive of coarse but only after i cried so much did he let me down...the whole time pounding in tile. Later that night after my bath...one he did not come in and take a pee...i got my brother and sister down to bed and went in to give him a night kiss and then he said "what are you doing?" i said "going to bed" he said "don't come out anymore tonight i am sick of seeing you"...so i turned to leave. He was watching one of the "planet of the apes" movies and i really liked those movies and i knew he was drunk so i waited for a bit so he could pass out and crawled into the living room to hide behind the chair to watch the movie. After awhile he moved around...i could hear heavy breathing and then i must of made a noise because then he called out my name...............i got up and i knew this is it i am going to be beat to death....he asked me to get up on his lap....he asked me why didn't i love him....i said i did...he said why do i get him so pissed off...i said i don't try to....he then asked if i had any boyfriends or boys i liked...i said no and started to laugh thinking ok he's really blotto...then he asked me if i had any hair down there yet on my t-t as he called it...i said no starting to feel very uncomfortable...he asked if i was getting any "titties" as he called them...i said no...do you know what to do with boys? he asked...i said no...well you looked at my magazines and saw what girls do so what do they do?...........**and well everyone thats all my memory can take for now...i do not remember anymore of that night...i don't remeber going to bed...or even getting up. Thats it for awhile this is hurting my brain way to much.