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*6-29-98*...I haven't been in the mood to write for a long time but now i am so here goes... After that last entry i remember that when i was around 5 yrs old my step-father started to begin the molest. I was laying down on the couch, we lived in Taylor..Mich. now, my brother had just been born a few days before. Anyways, (excuse me for jumping around subjects!), i was prentending to take a nap cause i really wanted to go out and play! He was in the room watching me to make sure i was quite, this is where it gets foggy, he came over to the couch and sat down next to me, he pulled back my underware to look at my "TT" as he called it, and opened it and like he was examining it. I don't remember much more than that of that day. And right now my heart is beating very fast because this is one of the times that hurts me the most...i am very nervous and still scared. You see i am a mother now and watching my children and seeing the innocents in them and to think that someone could do to them what was done to me kills me. I cannot begin to tell you of the hurt i am feeling this very minute. All of the time i tried to get that man to love me like he loved his son and daughter...to no avail. To this day he hates me and now i have lost my mother , sister and brother. Because of dysfunction on their end not mine.

Their is so much going on in my 35 yr. old life now that i am sick of. I just wish that i could of been left with my real father and not her. (end of memory)

*9-29-98*...I rec'd a call last night from my little sister telling me that my mother is very unstable and her husband who is completely dependent on her and that she had taken off drunk and on prescribed antidepressants disappeared for over 24 hrs. then reappeared at 10 in the morning. My sister feels that it is a great possibility she may kill herself. How do I feel about this? I don't know.My sister is extremely angry that she has to deal with this al over again and again. She is the only one who stayed with her. My brother left, i left and took her grandchildren as she tells me everytime she talks to me. My sister is worried but angry....it's so complex that we cant really figure out how we feel. Mind you this mother of ours is 56 yrs. old and so far out there it scares us. What do she and I do? I feel she wants me to come and be there with her, I am afraid....why?